Still Here...

#ImBack

A walk in the trees fixes almost EVERYTHING

I think this is probably the third year in a row where I write the first blog post in the month of March.

This time, it wasn’t because I was feeling uninspired in the New Year, or because I was particularly busy. I think I just didn’t have anything to say here on the blog.

But thankfully, that has changed. I write this now (God knows how many thousand feet above sea level), I am a little light-headed from the flight’s turbulence, ignoring the slight vertigo it is causing, but this feels like the best time to say what I want to say.

It feels like a good time to come back. Something has shifted inside of me since I spent the past few weeks in proper holiday mode. It feels like a bad joint has been set back in place. It feels like I am energized again. It feels like I am back home to myself, in a deep, almost-mystical, but very much needed way.

And what is the cause of this shift? This new feeling? Well, I remember this post I found on Twitter a few years ago. It said something like; if you’re an ambitious girl that starts fantasizing about being a stay-at-home mom/wife/daughter (absolutely nothing wrong with any of that), then it is simply time for a holiday. A reset. An extended break.

So, holiday I did.

And holiday did me anew. It was a much-needed step. It changed me.

OVERCOMING THE ENNUI.

Ennui

“A deep feeling of boredom, weariness, and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of interest or excitement.”

My sister keeps saying that I love using random “big words”. I hope ennui isn’t too off-kilter (ha-ha), but this perfectly describes whatever was happening to me last year.

I mean, last year was one of the happiest years of my life. I was relaxed; mostly well-fed because I actually always remembered to eat. Mental health was generally good. Did I mention that I got to relax after graduating from the barrage that was medical-school-internship-writing-career?

Did I mention that I finally achieved one of my deep fantasies of starting my day at 7 am? Everyday?!

I am grateful that I got that down time to relax, but it came with its own oddities. I felt quite directionless, under-stimulated. Bored.

Bored.

There were moments where I asked myself if this truly was the life I imagined for myself after finishing school. Where I just sit around and do work that doesn’t stimulate me enough (or, at all). Where it feels like I am doing much less than I am capable of.

The work-life balance was skewed so unfairly against work, that I wasn’t sure I really was working. It just felt like showing up – and the annoying bit is that showing up was enough. I was doing a lot more than a number of my co-workers.

Looking back now, I wish I had done my own due diligence in seeking out how to overcome this boredom. I wish I had put myself out there more, had used the time to take on new challenges.

Of course, I do not blame myself entirely for this. If I had known how to, I would have.

If I knew I just needed a two-week reset, I would have spent any amount of money I needed to ensure I got it. Because, before the holiday came in; I didn’t have the energy to even fight the ennui. It felt like fighting against a current that was determined to go in a specific direction.

And in that direction ONLY.

I want to say that found a solution, but really, I stumbled upon it. And it is so humbling. Because sometimes I feel like I know a lot, that I have overcome a lot, and then I realize; there’s still so much to learn.

So much to be fixed, and so much that can be fixed.

Despite the fact that not being in full control used to scare me in the past, I am realizing that; no human can ever be in full control. And maybe there is something wonderful about that; in that lack The incompleteness of it all.

The world can offer us surprises when we are not so tight-fisted. When we are not so resistant to every and any small change that comes our way.

YOU GET UP BY STANDING UP.

This sounds so silly to say. In fact, it could pass easily for a lyric in an Afrobeat lyric.

Still, it is true. You learn how to do something by doing it.

I think there is something that we over-achievers tend to forget once we have settled into our habits; that it is okay to not get things right, right away. That it is okay to be confused at first, to second-guess, to be a little worried about if you are doing something well enough.

Those emotions, negative as they are, form part of the process of growth.

It is meant to be uncomfortable – trying something new, trying to be excellent - lean into the discomfort.

That uneasiness, of being outside my comfort zone is something I just realize I was sub-consciously trying to avoid. I didn’t want to start something I wasn’t already good at because it felt like “starting over”.

Yet, whenever I probed what “starting over” meant, I drew up blanks.

Starting over on something I haven’t done before? (All I have done recently is my usual writing and doctor work).

Or, starting over on something I have done well before but am now seeking avenues on improvement? (All I have done recently is trying to scale up my usual writing and doctor work)

When I examine my thoughts under the microscope, I discover how inane some of them are. But also, how recurrent they are. That they are things I have thought of and overcome before.

This blog is a treasure-trove of my thoughts on leaning into the discomfort of writing, of being a doctor. Of being alive.

I wonder what made me so afraid to take risks.

Well, I don’t wonder. I know. But those thoughts really aren’t meant for public viewing here on the blog. And, if I ever decide to try sharing those thoughts with you, I’ll bare open the whole thing, and maybe dear reader, you would understand. And not wonder too.

All the same, I think it is time for me to get back into being okay with being uncomfortable, with being a little tired. With waking up before 7 am.

With learning how to do things well again. Actually, with learning how to do things excellently again. And being okay with all of the obstacles I might have to face on the path there.

It’s not easy. But in a way, it is easier than having to go through another year of boredom and listlessness.

Is it too late for a New Year’s resolution?

Never.

IN THE MEAN TIME… (Long walks, Books, Crochet, Writing work)

I have enjoyed the sights and sounds of a new city.

Here is a picture of me with some cute ducks in the background.

And of course, other than long walks, what I enjoy spending my free time doing is reading a good book.

I managed to read four full-length books in the space of two-weeks. This is probably regular reading for some people, light reading for others.

And for some, it is their whole reading list for a year.

Wherever you fall on the scale, I know you will agree that a good book is always a delight.

Click the picture to read an excerpt

I finally got to read Arundhati Roy’s latest, Mother Mary Comes To Me, and I am not shy to say

that this book made me cry at the end. Her exploration of the complex feelings about her mother, about her country, about her identity, and her writing career just felt so sublime at many points in the book. And, while most of the discussions about communism went over my head, I enjoyed getting to see the inner workings of the mind that created The God of Small Things.

I loved going back to Ayemenem (Aymanam in real life as it turns out), and seeing the world through the eyes of the girl who grew up to write about Estha and Rahel. Reading this memoir showed me how in many ways, her novel is a roman a clef about her relatives, and in many ways – as I discovered from the memoir – it is too real. Too close to home. To gutting. But still, so, so human.

Also links to an excerpt!

Next up was R.F Kuang’s Yellowface. So, this book was… how do I say it? Fast paced?

A friend told me it is not the best introduction to R.F Kuang’s work. And now that I am currently reading through Babel, I agree. I am glad I gave her a second chance because so far, Babel is a well thought-out, nerdy, complex work of fantasy. A slow-read, but worth the while.

Yellowface feels a bit like the author was letting out grievances. And the main character, June, oh wow. I know she was written to be unlikeable, but the character was written in a way that felt exhausting to read through (and, I think this was on purpose actually). She was anxious, REPETITIVE, definitely narcissistic. And just, a sad, lonely person - as the author herself explained at the end of the book.

Don’t let that discourage you if you want to give it a read all the same. It went by really quickly. I think I finished it within two days or so. It gave a great behind the scenes of how the American literary publishing scene works. And that was quite interesting.

PHOTO

Had to use the Nigerian Cover because... obviously! (Yes, also links to an excerpt)

Then, Dreamcount by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. You know, I went into this book not expecting a lot, because a lot of folks had written that the book was underwhelming. Honestly, I think I was appropriately whelmed. I didn’t go into it expecting it to be a riveting, life-changing book like Americanah or Half of a Yellow Sun.

This book is about middle-aged women recounting their past, and they are well-off middle-aged women (other than one character), so, I just read it like it was meant to be that. Not expecting too much of a plot, it would just be the inner lives of those women. I still have a few more thoughts I’d like to share. But maybe I will save that for another blog post, give this book the attention it deserves.

(YES)

The last book I “read” was an audiobook recording of Malorie Blackman’s memoir Just Sayin’. One of my favourite authors mentioned her in an interview as a writer she’d love to spend an afternoon (or something) with, and I thought to check her out. Saw the physical copy on a bookshelf and just decided to listen to the audiobook instead.

It was good. Wow, that woman overcame a lot. And you can hear from her voice that she is still a rather cheerful person. I admire that. I’m looking forward to one day reading some of her works. Noughts and Crosses, will be first on the list. Really want to see what that book is about.

I really thought I read five books in the past two weeks, and maybe I will remember what the fifth one is

Next on the list though, is reading these

- Completing Babel by R.F Kuang

- Reading Cursed Daughters by Oyinkan Braithwaite (so excited!)

- Digging into Intermezzo by Sally Rooney.

(At the publishing of this piece - different from the writing of it ha-ha - I have read Babel and Cursed Daughters)

Still have a lot of others I’m thinking about, but, that’s a start!

In the meantime, I made this lovely crochet top. It’s my first time making something with a skein (ball) of yarn containing multiple colors. I think I did brilliantly with it, if I do say so myself.

Check out the flower detail!

OBSESSED with the colour.

Also, I'm happy to share some writing news

• Writer spotlight by Epistemic Lit on me for women’s month!

  
  

• My story published last year in Augur Magazine is now free to read. Check out The Belly of The Rock

All of this reading, and resting (and crocheting, honestly because it gives me time to think and be alone with my thoughts), has made me ask what my contribution to the world will be.

What can I say, or create, that will be of benefit to the humans I share this world with?

Answering that question -more than anything – has set a light in me. It has made me want to dare beyond boredom. To be energized. To feel alive once again.

Last year, when I wrote to you first, I was starting out my NYSC year, and this feels like a new beginning.

I hope wherever you are, that like me, you dare to lean into that discomfort of trying new things. And not think it banal, of highfalutin, or think it unnecessary.

What is life without a little color? A little fire?

Take care till my next!