On Not Being Overwhelmed

So… are you overwhelmed?

Underwhelmed?

Or… appropriately WHELMED?

If I were to ask myself that question, my answer would be: ALL OF THE ABOVE.

It begs asking: how did I go from spending the early part of this year in a soft, almost mushy cloud of doing barely anything, to the current end-of-year rush?

Was it poor planning? Was it a random emergency that popped up out of the blue?

Was it me wanting to stretch my wings and just try new things?

I wish I knew, because I have found myself incredibly busy over the past few weeks. And that is why this post is coming a bit later than it should.

You know, I think that sometimes life unfolds in ways that we do not expect.

Maybe not sometimes, most of the time.

Still, I am surprised at how quiet things have been, and the sudden feelings I have to rage against what I fear is complacency. And (yuck), going with the flow.

If you had told the 2023 version of Busayo that she would spend almost a year drifting about in a cloud of ease, not actively chasing some goal or the other, I think she would have called you a liar.

Or, maybe politely told you that you had the wrong person.

But really, after housejob, I had had enough. The whole anxiety of rushing about in a hospital, barely having the time to think through my thoughts. Having to sleep when I could, etc. It was a lot.

So, when I got a job that gave me the chance to finally sit still, to once again enjoy slow mornings, and have time to consider the world around me, it just felt like such a gift. It felt like something that I absolutely could not refuse, no matter what “achievement’ or “goal” I was giving up to achieve it.

And I found myself saying this a lot more often in my head:

I am more than anything I can achieve.

I am more than the work that I do.

I have always known these things, but this year really allowed me to live in it.

Work should be enjoyable, and when it isn’t, it should at least be bearable. It should at least give you the chance to have a life.

With this past year, and with how things have changed, I am starting to consider this; does life have to go in only one way? In only one fixed, uncompromising direction?

CHARTING YOUR OWN PATH.

A long time ago... Well, only back in 2019, I wrote my New Year goals out in January.

(I don’t do New Year resolutions, I do goals. Get it. Haha.)

Anyway, one of the goals was to chart my own path.

And I was serious about it.

And I was also, honestly, quite anxious about doing it.

What was this path I meant to chart out?

Looking back now, it seems simple enough; I wanted to be a more excellent student regardless of how people around made me feel about wanting to be “serious”, I also wanted to go outside of that mold of being so book-book-school. I wanted to be a writer.

(I often find it funny that I just chose a different kind of book-book to be about, but at least I am consistent and honest about what I like.)

That year 2019 was when my first short story got published. It was in Arts and Africa Magazine, and you can read a little about "What The Trees Said" on my blog.

I took the leap of faith by sending my work out into the world, not knowing where it would land, or if anyone would really care for it.

That felt like a cosmic shift for me. Just finding my own path in the world. No one else around me in Ondo town was doing what I was doing. No one else (that I knew of) cared about literature, and African literature at that. Or, if they did, not with the same intensity I wanted to incise it with. To study it, to want to create it.

Of course, over time I met people who shared my interests. And I realized that my friends who weren’t as interested were just awesome people who would show up to support the stuff I did; reading my work, sharing my work, complimenting my work.

All of that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t decide on one harmattan morning to just ignore the fear that was in my chest, that was in front of my eyes, and face the future as is.

That period of time was deeply overwhelming for me; the uncertainty, the worries about if I would succeed at the big things I had planned. But looking back now, I am glad I took that leap. That I leaned into the discomfort of that time and gave myself a chance.

Remembering that time gives me hope in the present moment I am in.

Even as being in this very awkward slush of comfort is so disorienting for me. I have to remember that I am the same person that leaped into the fire of uncertainty, was overwhelmed and realized afterwards that... I actually didn't die.

Ha-ha.

And so what if I have a million things to do? It is not the first time.

THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF WHELM.

I am not sure what that is.

Or if it is something that even exists. Or that can be held onto permanently.

Life is always in this state of flux. Always changing, and maybe it is only healthy that we change along with it.

Going from being underwhelmed – bored, really – to having several things to do before Christmas is such a jarring experience.

It has made me realize that I don’t have a lot of experience with being in this situation. Even in school the mountain of things to read always felt doable if I cut them down into bite-sized pieces.

Now, it feels very weird holding down a job, facing various financial responsibilities (that I put upon myself), needing to do creative writing, having to have a life. Keep up with loved ones.

The list goes on and on.

I was warned about adulthood, yet here I am.

Dear reader, who or what can save us?

How do we find that perfect middle ground where we are not overwhelmed or underwhelmed?

Just, the right amount of whelm.

Maybe it is from a lesson I learnt from the early months of boredom this year; being okay with the feeling. And just facing the life you have in front of you.

One of the things that kept me going those years ago as a student was this quote by Toni Morrison.

You are not the work you do; you are the person you are.

The work you do is the work you do.

These words remind me that being a human is in that description human being. Not human doing.

Still, I cannot sit here and pretend that I do not pine for the times when I was rushing towards a goal. The way it feels so electrifying. So satisfying when you finally reach your destination.

It really is a gift to be busy sometimes. (Even if I complain about it a lot)

I don’t know how I am going to figure out everything I have to do, but I know that I will. And I know that things will be okay.

The challenge is getting to that point where things will be okay.

But really, isn’t that the fun part of the journey?

That's my little update on where my life has been lately. Where my thoughts have been as well.

My thoughts (and breaking heart) are also with my country Nigeria. The past week was a very hard one for us. One set of sad news coming before we can even process the one that came before it.

That too is overwhelming. And of course, the government's response has been overwhelming.

To my Nigerian readers, I hope you have been keeping on despite it all. I hope we find a way out of this soon.

Please, take care.

And I will see you in the comments.