A YEAR IN REVIEW

#AnotherYearInReview

I have put off writing this blog post for so long.

Too long, really.

And it’s not for a particularly complicated reason: I just don’t know what the unifying theme of my year is.

This year has been an indecipherable mishmash of highs and lows. A lot of confusion, and a lot of eureka moments about where the road leads.

I mean, I know this is a typical experience for everyone, but for me, most of my adult life has featured me having pretty straightforward themes for how the year goes. It is either a hard one, an unbelievably easy one. Or, a quiet one.

There, I think I've found it.

It was a quiet one. A year where nothing really happens.

Don't get me wrong, this year, a lot of good things happened. Yet, a lot of nothing happened too: silence about projects I poured my soul into, not having the energy to decide what was next for my writing or even my medical career.

I also realized how very alone I was in a way, being away from all the friends I had made in Ondo.

The silence was uncomfortable. I found that silence to be the ghost that haunted me through the days of this year. And you would think, that after living through something like 2021 and all of its quiet beauty, that I would understand that this kind of year is just as important.

Knowing how to exist in that undecipherable in between.

The unreadable middle.

BUT REALLY, A YEAR WHERE NOTHING… HAPPENS?

Yes.

That’s the summary I would say.

I mean, this year started out on a pretty high note.

I got a story acceptance just three days into the New Year.

In February I went to my school’s convocation to pick up my prizes for being the Best graduating medical student.

A few other things here and there.

But mostly, it was silence. And just the unbearable din, the machinations of house-job and that truly crummy first year of being a doctor.

I didn’t have the usual amount of time I would have had to think, to be creative.

To even just… read.

(Because I was always tired after work ha-ha.)

With every month that went by, I made some small incremental change that got me closer to where I wanted to be. But it all truly felt so ordinary.

There is this poem I wrote earlier this month that summarizes something important.

On the best days, I am ordinary

And think nothing of it

On today, I am ordinary

And I cannot bear to think of it.

That ordinariness was as much a gift as a burden.

Apart from that, just finally adjusting to my new reality as a member of the workforce.

What a STARK shift I moved through. Cutting through my days in medical school with ease: balancing my creative and academic pursuits so easily.

And then, on the other side, trying so hard to figure out how to write while being a doctor. How to not be so physically tired all the time.

It was a humbling experience.

SURVIVING THE SILENCE

I don’t want to say this year was a bad year.

Because it wouldn’t be true.

Internally, I think I managed to get a lot of work done.

And maybe also, realized that there is no point in re-inventing the wheel. Many of the things I learnt while I was younger still apply very well to my life right now. You can’t discredit wisdom because you got it easy, or you got it younger.

So, I cannot help now but think about 2021, the first year after the pandemic.

I mean, the pandemic was HARD for me. Being indoors for so long. Having months of my life just skip along, but 2021 came, and I felt so ready to tackle things. To do big things.

But all the unresolved emotions of the pandemic might have made me feel like I needed to compensate for ‘lost time’, instead of focusing on the now. Focusing on the future.

I think I got stuck in that rut this year. And it is only now, by taking risks, heart in my mouth, all of it, that I have come to realize this is just what life is; a calculated risk. And it is silly to choose comfort over the legitimate chance to better yourself. Better your life.

I hope I am not being opaque.

These aren't just any musings, these are things I hold dear to heart.

GROWING PAINS

I wonder now, if there is a certain arrogance in thinking that because I have overcome some pretty difficult odds in the past, that I have learnt all there is to learn.

You can never really stop learning.

Maybe take a break. But to stop? No, that’s not it.

That’s not the right thing.

To grow is going to cause you a lot of fear, maybe some pain, but all of that just seems like an unavoidable part of the growth package.

I am learning again to be okay with it. And, maybe even go a step further to lean into the discomfort.

Accept it as part of the process.

I really wish I could come here and give you tips on a triumphant year, and how to triumph over EVERYTHING.

But I feel like my biggest triumph this year was in taking care of myself. And being kinder to others, even when it was hard.

I hope sharing this makes someone else feel much less alone. That can do so much for a person.

Oh yes, and that is another triumph, really, knowing that I got to do this year, writing to you. Even in the hardest, and most time-constrained months.

Thank you for being here.

Always.